tricked! trapped! hoodwinked! hambushed!

i had a squabble with turnip today. the fight is still ongoing. i cant stand the fact that he protects his skinohgloriousskin so much as to even not let me doodle on it. what the fuck is the problem with drawing on one's skin? 

there is no scientific evidence that shows that drawing on skin and getting skin cancer or for that matter, any kind of illness is linearly related. in fact, what correlation is there! between drawing and anything else?! that's harmful to the skin. why cant he just please me and make me happy by giving in to me and let me have my way. 

the first thing he did after i dotted on his skin was to rub it and remove it. 

fine! if he is so against any form of body art, i shall henceforth not write anything on anywhere or anything that belongs to him. and he doesnt allow me to doodle on his paper. what is his fucking problem. what's wrong with doodling, it is in my nature to doodle. and if he cant accept it, then too bad, it's just too bad, i cant change and i dont want to change. so there! i will continue to doodle and there's nothing i can do about it. and he can go and die and go to fucking hell cos i'm not going to change anything. 

fuck. i'm fucking madddd. at him. and then when i've ended the call with my friend, he ignored me. he has been temperamental for hte past few days. what is his fucking problem! i think ever since the bedok85 day. he has been using this really pain in the ass tone when he talks to me. as if he cant be bothered, or he's a bit irritated. i dont like the tone that he uses. if he's not going to change it. so there! we are quits. there's nothing much i can do about him. 

he's not half as loving as i'd like him to be. not half as forgiving , encompassing, passionate, kind, helpful, etc etc. 

he's only pretending to be softspoken to his other friends, but when he talks to me, he treats me like sheet. what did i do. i dont owe him anything. why do i have to take his temper this way, why do i have to tolerate this kind of behaviour from him. he owes me an apology. he's getting on my nerves. 

tmr i'm going for the seminar, thereafter, to zhilings. thereafter, home, i've got to finish the 2183 assignment and the ssa2211 assignment by this weekend. by hook or by crook. sunday i'll wanna go and jog. and i'll wanna continue with the work, and then bensons. 

no turnip. i dont care.

indebted. to mother. she just came into my room and asked me to go through the report and solicitor's letter and lta and idac and whatnots with her. a whole stack of it. and afterwards, i asked her what am i to do now. and she said, she'll handle it from here completely, and asked me not to think about it. i don't know what to feel. i feel helpless. a part of me wants to go to the haji aman's house now and scream at him and tear him up for stirring so much trouble in my house. and making such a fuss over a few scratches on his wheel. and we have to pay everything. but the other part of me feels so incapable of not being able to do anything at all.

i'll handle it from here. -- mom said that. her words made me feel secure at least. like there's a blanket over me when i feel cold at night, like living in a bed of roses, like even if everything else fails me, mom will not, she'll be there to ride through the rough tides with me. for that, i am thankful.

but i still live in constant fear and terror. what if, she fails it. what if, she cant pull it through. who's going to take it from there after that.

i am still )):

the other thing. a good example to substantiate what i am feeling with harrf is this. after i've started msging him, he replies and that's it. no calls. no concerned online msgs. although he knows jolly well that i'm online but appearing offline. he's studying his butt off. and i'm not in the picture at all. with him, i feel so insecure. sure, he asked what i ate, what i am doing and all that. but it's more out of obligation and routine than pure concern and interest. cos if it were the latter, he would have given me a tinkle to just hear my voice and show his concern.

well. that's that. i cant talk much given the situation anyhow.

i've told mom that i'll work during the holidays to pay her the charges for this lawsuit. cos it is all my fault. wrong time, wrong place. 3rd of december. a disgusting day.

devastated. i feel so useless and sorry. i'm really really sorry mom and dad. no words can describe the repent and guilt that i am feeling now. because of my misdemeanor i've caused you so much trouble. the fees with the lawyers, the fees for the insurance, so much has to be paid for. and i dare not show it to father. he's going to just collapse from the anger. i feel horrible. why am i such a lousy person. why didnt i stop in time for the car to pass me by. what am i afraid of. why didnt i brake harder and earlier. i feel so wronged. like i have to just fork up 2400 bucks just like that, for the haji aman guy. what am i going to do. going to the insurance will just devalue the insurance and parents are not going to pay lesser over the years. i want to pay them back for the loss that i've incurred. can they pay for me first. i'll try to earn it all back during the holidays, and pay them back. i feel so wronged.
firstly, i did stop the car. and since he saw me stopping, there wont be enough space for him to pass through, yet he continued driving through. i hope he's happy that he has had his wheels replaced. for just some minor scratches. while we have to suffer so much damage. i'm so sorry. i'm so sorry. nothing can possibly cheer me up now. i'm so sad.

and the relationship with harrf. sometimes, i feel like we just dont love each other enough. it's not the head over heels kind of mad love. sometimes i dont feel anything at all. but i do feel a pang of jealousy when he's with other girls or wtv. but i dunno, i just dont feel that much love from him, i dont feel loved enough. and some things, i just cant say to him. between lovers, there ought to be no divide, yet, sometimes, i feel like there's a barrier or a ridge btwn us that inhibits us from bridging the gap and going closer. and i dont like the tone he uses on me sometimes. certain things like this, the amount of trouble that i've caused my parents, i dont want to talk about. it'll always be on my mind. i want to scream and shout and plead and swear at that fat haji aman. but what else can i do . i cant turn back time. i cant reverse the situation. i feel terrible. i want to cry. but tears cant help no amount of tears can undo the damage.

what should i do. God. please help me.

)):

came back from the handball court LONG long long ago. and i'm still procrastinating and turnip already finished watching a match AFTER his, and yet he's already starting to do his tutorial. i feel so dreary and tired. and unaccomplished. :\
handball game was not bad. other than the fact that eusof got trashed by RH; which led by somewhat 12 or so points. eusoff was practically slaughtered. i suppose the rh goalie was not bad, considering his skinny frame and funky stockings, his ponytail demeanor was really somewhat defensive and fear-injecting.
of course, the company was not bad either, had lotsa fun just talking nonsense and nothing else. and the waffles helped tons to lift up my spirits. i felt so happy after eating them and drinking, yes practically drinking in the chocolate syrup; dips are always so nice. and the crispy waffles tasted ohsolovely and yummy with maple syrup over it. and imagine dipping the whole chunk into a tub of chocolate sauce. YUMMERS. that's the nicest thing that happened to me today.

ciao.

never ceases. in fact it mounts in a linear progressive manner with a positive gradient towards positive infinity, as long as i procrastinate. and i am good at it. boy am i good, excellent to be precise, at procrastination. if there's one thing that i excel in, it ll be
PROCRASTINATION.